I want to understand why I went along
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Hello, I’m going to try something different for the next few weeks, and I want to tell you plainly what it is. I’m going to look, honestly, at why I stayed. Why I went along with things I should have questioned. Why I agreed to ideas about money that look ridiculous to me now. This is not a light look back. I’m not doing it to make a good story. I’m doing it because I want to know. And I don’t know yet what I’ll find. Here is where I’m starting. Early in my relationship with Eddie, I left my phone at a restaurant down the street. I wasn’t worried. I remember that clearly. I was going to call them, drive back, and pick it up. A small, fixable thing. Eddie did not see it that way. He lost his temper. He told me I was careless. He told me I was less than. He made me feel like a loser, over a phone. I apologized. I tried to explain that it just happens. Then I sat in the car on the way back, stressed and anxious, sure he was going to end things with me over it. He didn’t. We got my phone. Within a short time everything was back to normal, and I felt something I mistook for love. I felt relief. I have thought about that evening a lot lately. At the time, I decided it was my fault. I thought he was perfect, so if he was angry, I must have done something wrong. Every time after that, I did the same math. Looking back, I don’t think I ignored the warning signs. I think I was learning, quietly, that his anger was the price of keeping him. I had no idea I was learning it. I want to know where that came from. I suspect some of it started long before Eddie. I’m going to follow it wherever it goes, and I’ll tell you what I find. If you’ve ever rationalized someone else’s anger, or decided it was your fault, I hope you’ll stay with me. And if you’re here because you care about me, I hope you’ll stay too. Jaycee is out on the screen porch right now, enjoying the cooler weather and barking at everything that moves. A leaf, a squirrel, the wind. She has no doubt that every one of them needed to hear from her. Her certainty is a comfort this week. Until next Sunday, |
The Jane & Jaycee Project
A weekly letter for woman starting over.
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